Alchemizing shame into empathy and connection

Practicing empathy and compassion is hard. I’m the middle child in my family and looking back on my family dynamics growing up I realize more and more how much that has impacted how sensitive I am today to everyone else’s feelings. As the middle child and only girl I was constantly trying to keep the peace, not as a moderator per se, but trying to follow what my parents asked of me in order to not stir the pot ignoring my own story and feelings. I was always trying to prove I could follow the rules and therefore be loved. Until the last few years, it was really common for me to put another person’s story before my own losing my narrative in the process and leaving me unsure of myself. Over the last year I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ve repeated this same pattern a lot in my relationships as an adult [thats part of my work that is still in progress].

Now as an adult I’ve been bringing a lot of awareness to how empathy or lack there of has impacted my relationships, including with myself, friends, partners, coworkers, etc... And unsurprisingly my most fulfilling secure relationships all have empathy in common. A few weeks back in therapy I had a realization around my most recent past relationship trying to understand why our narratives of the relationship are starkly and frustratingly different - and it boils back to empathy. This has been especially challenging to navigate because I have a really difficult time being misunderstood by those closest to me. I hate not being seen for who I am and not for another persons projections. Especially when that misunderstanding has a big impact.

I was trying to understand empathy one step further by sitting with the question of ‘why are we only able to show empathy sometimes? What’s blocking us? Why are we unable to hold two different narratives?’ I think there are number of different reasons but something I noticed is shame. Shame can show up as an action or as a part of our selves we aren’t ready to acknowledge and hold. Shame is a really fucking heavy emotion to feel. So much so that we go out of our way to relieve ourselves from feeling it, often times to our detriment. For me, how I try to soften the blow is by logically trying to understand why I am feeling shame before allowing myself to feel it. I want to make sure that I understand the ‘why’ in order to give me a sense of safety and then I will slowly dip my toes into the feeling before being fully submersed. Or my not so healthy way is by avoiding it altogether - not great but I’m human.

One of the best things about consistently going to therapy over the years is it allows me to work through my shame much quicker than on my own. It’s scary to talk about being human and the parts of me I’m not proud of or own up to my mistakes. We all have shame, what has become increasingly more important to me when building connection is in how we carry it. From my own experience: by being able to hold my shame all my relationships have deepened most especially the one with myself. I’m able to see those around me more clearly because I see myself clearly. I understand that we all make mistakes and those mistakes don’t make you a bad person. Ultimately that’s what all of us want, to be seen. Alchemizing shame into empathy is at the heart of connection.

Another way I’ve noticed we try to lose shame is by shifting blame, which is all too close to heart for me. We’ve all done it- we change our stories based on who we are talking to in order to appear “good” out of fear of being judged. Where this gets dangerous is when we start to believe these narratives blurring the lines between truth and what we hoped would have happened, completely missing our opportunity for growth. If we aren’t able to be honest with ourselves and at least a few others we stunt our growth catastrophically. 

Personal example for me is with my parents- I’ve been guilty of this over the years [sorry mom and dad if you are reading this. I’m a lot more honest with you now as I’ve gotten older]. We grow up trying to please our parents in order to win their approval = love. Manipulating our stories is conditioned into us as kids, so as an adult we inadvertently do the same thing even though our parents have very little [if any] control over us. We are still trying to prove to our parents that we ‘deserve’ their love. Sometimes this tendency seeps into our other relationships because we default to this behavior if we aren’t careful. I’ve personally found that the more I am seeking love/ approval from someone, the easier it is for me to fall back into this behavior if I’m not bringing awareness. Makes sense because we care and the opinion of those we care most about matters to us.

Big wake up call for me as I’ve gotten older is that my parents love me no matter what and they want what is best for me [see I’m showing empathy for them]. Our parents are also human and their version of what is best for us is clouded by their projections and expectations. And as I said, my parents get an edited parent approved highlight reel of my life - so how applicable and accurate is their advice to who I actually am vs who I present myself to be to them? If I did everything they said I would be led down an unfulfilling road to resentment and a life that is not authentic to me. I’ve been spending a lot of time this past year understanding that vicious cycle in my own life. [Love you mom and dad!]

As I said earlier, I’ve been really struggling with knowing that in my most recent relationship our stories differ so significantly. I used to rattle my brain trying to understand why and thinking of ways to connect and understand - then a big moment of realization came to me at Burning Man. I came to terms with the fact that in order for us to understand both sides we need empathy, and in order to show empathy externally we need to give it internally which asks us to work through our shame otherwise connection is nearly impossible. The heartbreaking truth is that it is completely out of our control whether or not another person works through their shame. As I said earlier, shame is one of the hardest emotions to hold. As humans we will do anything to avoid the feeling. We will ignore it, justify our actions to avoid self reflection, hide parts of ourselves to those closest to us, and will even go as far us changing facts to shift the blame and shame to another. Feels good in the moment but long term everyone suffers.

I love Brene Brown. I especially love her when she talks about the relationship of shame, empathy, and connection/ love. I had the following quotes written on a post-it on the outside of my journal over the past year as I traveled: 

"Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love."

"We desperately don't want to experience shame, and we're not willing to talk about it. Yet the only way to resolve shame is to talk about it. Maybe we're afraid of topics like love and shame. Most of us like safety, certainty, and clarity. Shame and love are grounded in vulnerability and tenderness."

If it’s not already clear, a big reason why we are unable to connect and we carry anger and resentment is because we are lacking empathy. Which probably means we are carrying some other heavy emotion that we individually are not ready to face or not wanting to acknowledge the parts of us we’re not so proud of. Which is actually a disservice to us and others because we are blocking connection and growth. Whenever I feel myself carrying shame either by projecting anger and resentment or rejecting another persons story, I’ve been really trying to take a moment, breathe, and get curious about why I’m feeling it.

Erin Gilmore had this quote in one of her most recent emails “The self becomes stronger not from being praised but from being known.” That hits. Applying it in two different ways:

• The first and most obvious is to others. If you aren’t able to understand the other you’re creating a floor on how deep that connection can go, and chances are it has more to do with you than it does to them and their story. Pause, breathe, and get curious. If you are able to really see another person just think how powerful you will make those that you care about which allows them to grow and ultimately deepening those connections.

• The second and most important, is to apply it to yourself. Do you fully and authentically see yourself? Are you showing yourself empathy or are you denying yourself to feel certain emotions? I really struggle with this sometimes, often defaulting to logic and rationalizing vs letting myself actually feel the emotion and acknowledging that something makes me feel really deeply. Or by being hard and judgmental on myself rather than understanding.

So my invitation to you is, are you being kind to yourself? Are you acknowledging and seeing yourself fully? It’s really scary to sit in your shit.. As they say, you are only able to meet and see others at the depth you are able to see and know your Self.