Alchemizing shame into empathy and connection

Practicing empathy and compassion is hard. I’m the middle child in my family and looking back on my family dynamics growing up I realize more and more how much that has impacted how sensitive I am today to everyone else’s feelings. As the middle child and only girl I was constantly trying to keep the peace, not as a moderator per se, but trying to follow what my parents asked of me in order to not stir the pot ignoring my own story and feelings. I was always trying to prove I could follow the rules and therefore be loved. Until the last few years, it was really common for me to put another person’s story before my own losing my narrative in the process and leaving me unsure of myself. Over the last year I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ve repeated this same pattern a lot in my relationships as an adult [thats part of my work that is still in progress].

Now as an adult I’ve been bringing a lot of awareness to how empathy or lack there of has impacted my relationships, including with myself, friends, partners, coworkers, etc... And unsurprisingly my most fulfilling secure relationships all have empathy in common. A few weeks back in therapy I had a realization around my most recent past relationship trying to understand why our narratives of the relationship are starkly and frustratingly different - and it boils back to empathy. This has been especially challenging to navigate because I have a really difficult time being misunderstood by those closest to me. I hate not being seen for who I am and not for another persons projections. Especially when that misunderstanding has a big impact.

I was trying to understand empathy one step further by sitting with the question of ‘why are we only able to show empathy sometimes? What’s blocking us? Why are we unable to hold two different narratives?’ I think there are number of different reasons but something I noticed is shame. Shame can show up as an action or as a part of our selves we aren’t ready to acknowledge and hold. Shame is a really fucking heavy emotion to feel. So much so that we go out of our way to relieve ourselves from feeling it, often times to our detriment. For me, how I try to soften the blow is by logically trying to understand why I am feeling shame before allowing myself to feel it. I want to make sure that I understand the ‘why’ in order to give me a sense of safety and then I will slowly dip my toes into the feeling before being fully submersed. Or my not so healthy way is by avoiding it altogether - not great but I’m human.

One of the best things about consistently going to therapy over the years is it allows me to work through my shame much quicker than on my own. It’s scary to talk about being human and the parts of me I’m not proud of or own up to my mistakes. We all have shame, what has become increasingly more important to me when building connection is in how we carry it. From my own experience: by being able to hold my shame all my relationships have deepened most especially the one with myself. I’m able to see those around me more clearly because I see myself clearly. I understand that we all make mistakes and those mistakes don’t make you a bad person. Ultimately that’s what all of us want, to be seen. Alchemizing shame into empathy is at the heart of connection.

Another way I’ve noticed we try to lose shame is by shifting blame, which is all too close to heart for me. We’ve all done it- we change our stories based on who we are talking to in order to appear “good” out of fear of being judged. Where this gets dangerous is when we start to believe these narratives blurring the lines between truth and what we hoped would have happened, completely missing our opportunity for growth. If we aren’t able to be honest with ourselves and at least a few others we stunt our growth catastrophically. 

Personal example for me is with my parents- I’ve been guilty of this over the years [sorry mom and dad if you are reading this. I’m a lot more honest with you now as I’ve gotten older]. We grow up trying to please our parents in order to win their approval = love. Manipulating our stories is conditioned into us as kids, so as an adult we inadvertently do the same thing even though our parents have very little [if any] control over us. We are still trying to prove to our parents that we ‘deserve’ their love. Sometimes this tendency seeps into our other relationships because we default to this behavior if we aren’t careful. I’ve personally found that the more I am seeking love/ approval from someone, the easier it is for me to fall back into this behavior if I’m not bringing awareness. Makes sense because we care and the opinion of those we care most about matters to us.

Big wake up call for me as I’ve gotten older is that my parents love me no matter what and they want what is best for me [see I’m showing empathy for them]. Our parents are also human and their version of what is best for us is clouded by their projections and expectations. And as I said, my parents get an edited parent approved highlight reel of my life - so how applicable and accurate is their advice to who I actually am vs who I present myself to be to them? If I did everything they said I would be led down an unfulfilling road to resentment and a life that is not authentic to me. I’ve been spending a lot of time this past year understanding that vicious cycle in my own life. [Love you mom and dad!]

As I said earlier, I’ve been really struggling with knowing that in my most recent relationship our stories differ so significantly. I used to rattle my brain trying to understand why and thinking of ways to connect and understand - then a big moment of realization came to me at Burning Man. I came to terms with the fact that in order for us to understand both sides we need empathy, and in order to show empathy externally we need to give it internally which asks us to work through our shame otherwise connection is nearly impossible. The heartbreaking truth is that it is completely out of our control whether or not another person works through their shame. As I said earlier, shame is one of the hardest emotions to hold. As humans we will do anything to avoid the feeling. We will ignore it, justify our actions to avoid self reflection, hide parts of ourselves to those closest to us, and will even go as far us changing facts to shift the blame and shame to another. Feels good in the moment but long term everyone suffers.

I love Brene Brown. I especially love her when she talks about the relationship of shame, empathy, and connection/ love. I had the following quotes written on a post-it on the outside of my journal over the past year as I traveled: 

"Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love."

"We desperately don't want to experience shame, and we're not willing to talk about it. Yet the only way to resolve shame is to talk about it. Maybe we're afraid of topics like love and shame. Most of us like safety, certainty, and clarity. Shame and love are grounded in vulnerability and tenderness."

If it’s not already clear, a big reason why we are unable to connect and we carry anger and resentment is because we are lacking empathy. Which probably means we are carrying some other heavy emotion that we individually are not ready to face or not wanting to acknowledge the parts of us we’re not so proud of. Which is actually a disservice to us and others because we are blocking connection and growth. Whenever I feel myself carrying shame either by projecting anger and resentment or rejecting another persons story, I’ve been really trying to take a moment, breathe, and get curious about why I’m feeling it.

Erin Gilmore had this quote in one of her most recent emails “The self becomes stronger not from being praised but from being known.” That hits. Applying it in two different ways:

• The first and most obvious is to others. If you aren’t able to understand the other you’re creating a floor on how deep that connection can go, and chances are it has more to do with you than it does to them and their story. Pause, breathe, and get curious. If you are able to really see another person just think how powerful you will make those that you care about which allows them to grow and ultimately deepening those connections.

• The second and most important, is to apply it to yourself. Do you fully and authentically see yourself? Are you showing yourself empathy or are you denying yourself to feel certain emotions? I really struggle with this sometimes, often defaulting to logic and rationalizing vs letting myself actually feel the emotion and acknowledging that something makes me feel really deeply. Or by being hard and judgmental on myself rather than understanding.

So my invitation to you is, are you being kind to yourself? Are you acknowledging and seeing yourself fully? It’s really scary to sit in your shit.. As they say, you are only able to meet and see others at the depth you are able to see and know your Self. 

Our choice to be happy

I was listening to a podcast earlier this week and was reminded that phrases like “Happiness is a choice” stir up some frustration for me. Don’t get me wrong, I agree with it to an extent. But what I think we get wrong so often is how simplified we often take this. It can be perceived as a light switch you turn on and off. Spoiler alert- you can’t unless you’re a goldfish and I hope that as a human you’re more complex than that. I also counter back, how do you apply this logic to sudden life tragedies (ie death, what’s happening in Maui, to name a few)? Yes I think our mind is a factor in choosing to be happy but this “choice” has a whole lot of layers and gray areas. 

Happiness is the result of choices we make in our life. Choosing to take care of our bodies, minds, relationships, time, showing gratitude, working through our BS etc… it’s in these choices that happiness is created and the outcome of. 

Let’s say it is possible to just choose to be happy at the drop of a hat, which you can’t, there would be some pretty bad things happening under the hood. Things like, ignoring emotions outside of happiness which can build up over time in your mind and body. Or missing out on some deep connections because when you are able to be real and authentic thats where true deep connection is formed. Or completely invalidating your own feelings which leads to self doubt and inability to trust yourself and decisions you make. I can keep going…

Imagine a world where we are all happy 24/7. That might appeal to some but definitely not to me. You need the waves in life, the highs and lows, to really experience and appreciate the highs. Also this isn’t possible because that would mean that we are all the same, like the same things, prefer the same everything… this sounds like a snooze fest and a movie I would turn off immediately.

How do I find my happy? One way is in my habits. I practice a lot of yoga, I read, I journal daily, I have hobbies that light me up. Another way is in my relationship to others. I spend time with people I love and show up for them when I can, I apologize when I mess up, I forgive quickly, I try to connect vs being right, I get curious about myself and others. The other way is in how I approach my choices. I have learned to let go, I try to practice gratitude for my present moment/ situation (this is a WIP), I try to sit in the gray areas of life versus not think in B&W, I (to the best of my ability at that time) sit in my shit by owning all parts of me, including the not so great parts, to try to understand how I may be impacting things externally.

All of that can be summarized to: I try to make choices that are aligned with me and to me.

So my invitation to you is, how do you define happiness?

The opinions of others

Most things we do are impacted by those around us - social media, what we wear, what we talk about; I can think of a handful of quotes about reputation alone. The caring seeps into so many things in life. You can’t completely stop caring (if you do please let me know how and also prove to me you’re not a narcissist) but part of the work I’ve done the last few years is bringing some awareness and curiosity around why I care and trying to make changes to ‘care less’ and be more intentional about it. Personal opinion, this is an area we can all work on.

I’ll go first. Since I was a kid I used to always have this need that if someone wrote the wrong narrative about me or thought something about me that didn’t feel true to who I was, I would immediately try to correct it and over explain myself (hello inner child work). Piece of advice, this may feel good in the moment by relieving your internal stress but now you’ve found yourself in a game of whack a mole because now your over explanation is (often) perceived to the other person as a reason to write another story that may not resonate and you are stuck in a vicious cycle now correcting that new story. I’m exhausted even writing that sentence.

I’ve talked to my therapist a lot about this over the years trying to figure out where my edge is and where I want it to be for 1) what I’m caring about and 2) who I’m doing the caring about. I get uncomfortable when a story that doesn’t accurately portray me is hurting another person. Brownie points if it’s someone I care for deeply. I then start to second guess myself and am unable to see my lens from another person’s lens. It gets messy and muddy really quickly.

What I’m still getting comfortable with is even if your intention was good it can sometimes be perceived otherwise and that’s ok. It’s uncomfortable (at least for me) but it’s ok. You can try to explain yourself and find an understanding but if the other person isn’t able to see your point of view, it’s ok. (Are we ok yet?)

Most that know you will understand your narrative and actions or are at least able to find common ground with when you sit down and talk it out as uncomfortable as that conversation might be. When I find myself unable to get my story across to others, especially those I care about deeply because those are the ones I really love to over explain myself to, there’s a couple things I try to practice. 1) I have to remind myself that it has nothing do with how much this person knows and loves me. Just because they can’t understand my perspective in the situation doesn’t mean they don’t care about me. 2) The best thing to do is give the situation time and space to work through and gain clarity. What these situations need is spaciousness.

My own observation is that the more grounded I’ve become in myself and my values the more I am able to see the separateness between my narrative and someone else’s. In other words, the deeper you are in your knowing and self the less other peoples reactions (to you) will dictate your internal world. I’m not saying screw everyone’s opinion I am going to do whatever I want and I don’t care who is impacted. I still try to avoid hurting anyone and value other perspectives, but I’m not going to climb a mountain to get others to understand me, even those that I would expect to understand me. Note from my experience, there is a direct relationship between how difficult this can be and how much you care about the person who may be writing an inaccurate narrative about you.

A value I have come to appreciate about myself is that I love surrounding myself with people who challenge me and my reality. I seek it in my relationships with others and I like being the one to challenge others reality too. I’m curious about humans and perspectives and where all of the different edges are. Which is probably why I love traveling so much and meeting new people (Any other Sagittarius moons?). For example: I love dropping into conversations where at the beginning I believe one thing and by the end I am curious about my previous opinion, am open to changing it, and sometimes I even do change it or adopt a second opinion. I like finding the gray areas.

The difficult side of this trait is that I find myself more frequently in situations where everything does not line up perfectly. And it can bring up some sticky parts in me and the other person that show us areas we can grow and change. My practice is when I find myself experiencing dissonance with others I zoom out to try to understand all narratives before zooming back into mine to understand how my own reality comes into play. Also known as empathy. I’m not perfect at it but maybe writing it down will hold me more accountable to keep practicing.

The way each of us moves through the world impacts those around us, which is a beautiful thing to see how interconnected we all are but can also be a really tough thing. Because sometimes the way you influence others can bring up big emotions and blindspots that you never intended to surface. I’ve been on both sides but what I’ve learned is that this is growth and what better teachers than those we love showing us parts of ourselves that we didn’t know existed.

Time

Those of you that know me are probably laughing thinking, “Jess and time… does she even know what time is?” I’m always late and it’s something I’ve really been working on the last few years. Jay Shetty had this really wonderful video that I identify with. He’s talking about his wife and how he used to always get upset with her because she was late and it would ruin their whole evening. But he’s learned that what he loves most about his wife is her spontaneity and the not so great side of it is poor time management skills. I feel seen.

Time has been coming up and reminding me of its presence in a number of ways recently. I’m getting ready to go back to the burn after a couple year hiatus (let me know if you’ll be out there!) and in my head it’s only been 1 maybe 2 years tops since I’ve been to that magical, soul expanding, unconditional loving home but in reality it’s been 4 years. Wow. Another way time has come up is in our favorite iPhone feature where a photo pops up and it reminds you of great but sometimes not so great memories from years before. I completed my YTT about a year ago(!) but also had a really tumultuous day where my trust felt exploited (thanks apple for triggering my sympathetic nervous system). I then found myself going through my photos of the past year and wow so much has been seen, done, and sat with. Looking through each photo brought me right back to those moments and feelings I was having.

I had a really great call with a friend recently where she said something super insightful. It was this: “Some years bring up questions. Some years give you answers.” Or another way to put it “Some years you have to tear it all down (your life). Other years you build it back up.” 

We all hear it but I fully subscribe that our most valuable asset is time. It’s why I’ve spent the last year, as my friend Kendra likes to say, in early retirement. But to go a level further than just “I don’t want to work so I can have free time” and to the deeper question of “If I could spend my time any way that I choose, how would I spend it?” I know we have all been asked that question but have you really sat with it and thought about it? If there is one thing that I have learned from family stuff the last year is we don’t have a lot of time on this planet. It’s short as hell in the grand scheme of things and we give way too many shits thinking about how others expect us to spend it and not asking ourselves how we are and want to be spending it.

Mark Manson, if you haven’t read his work I HIGHLY recommend, has some really great kick you in your face and make you think writing on it. “One day you and everyone you love will die. And beyond a small group of people for an extremely brief period of time, little of what you say or do will ever matter. This is the uncomfortable truth of life. And everything you think or do is but an elaborate avoidance of it. We are inconsequential cosmic dust, bumping and milling about on a tiny blue speck. We imagine our importance. We invent our purpose. We are nothing.”

Hard to hear but he’s got a point. In some way I was trying to find my answer to that question this last year and I think I’ve got it, at least my opinion of it. It should be spent with people you love, doing the things you love, and getting to know and love yourself. It’s a very simplified version but I think everything can be tied back to those truths. Maybe right now you are working really hard in your job so you can make money to then spend on a trip with your family = spending time with people you love. We all may not be doing it the most effective or efficient way but I think it’s what we all are trying to do or at least should be doing.

I think part of the reason why time is such a strong force for me this past year is that I (unintentionally) stopped waiting and started doing the hard stuff. Our time is so limited and so precious, you’re never going to be ready to try the new thing, see the new place, have the tough conversation, let the people you love know you love them, or sit in and deal with your shit. I was definitely not ready and to be honest I think the other times in my life where I have waited until “I am ready” was me trying to control life on some level. Which is silly, life isn’t meant to be controlled and the beauty of it is leaning fully into the unknown. It’s going to be messy, you’re definitely going to mess up, you probably will get hurt, but that’s really the only way to take advantage of our limited time here on this beautiful blue dot we call home.

My new personal goal is that each time I look back in my phone to scroll through the last year of photos that I see me living those truths. I spent time with the people I love, I told and showed those people I love them, I did the things I love, I surprised myself, and fell even more in love with me.

So my invitation to you is, how are you spending your time?