The opinions of others
Most things we do are impacted by those around us - social media, what we wear, what we talk about; I can think of a handful of quotes about reputation alone. The caring seeps into so many things in life. You can’t completely stop caring (if you do please let me know how and also prove to me you’re not a narcissist) but part of the work I’ve done the last few years is bringing some awareness and curiosity around why I care and trying to make changes to ‘care less’ and be more intentional about it. Personal opinion, this is an area we can all work on.
I’ll go first. Since I was a kid I used to always have this need that if someone wrote the wrong narrative about me or thought something about me that didn’t feel true to who I was, I would immediately try to correct it and over explain myself (hello inner child work). Piece of advice, this may feel good in the moment by relieving your internal stress but now you’ve found yourself in a game of whack a mole because now your over explanation is (often) perceived to the other person as a reason to write another story that may not resonate and you are stuck in a vicious cycle now correcting that new story. I’m exhausted even writing that sentence.
I’ve talked to my therapist a lot about this over the years trying to figure out where my edge is and where I want it to be for 1) what I’m caring about and 2) who I’m doing the caring about. I get uncomfortable when a story that doesn’t accurately portray me is hurting another person. Brownie points if it’s someone I care for deeply. I then start to second guess myself and am unable to see my lens from another person’s lens. It gets messy and muddy really quickly.
What I’m still getting comfortable with is even if your intention was good it can sometimes be perceived otherwise and that’s ok. It’s uncomfortable (at least for me) but it’s ok. You can try to explain yourself and find an understanding but if the other person isn’t able to see your point of view, it’s ok. (Are we ok yet?)
Most that know you will understand your narrative and actions or are at least able to find common ground with when you sit down and talk it out as uncomfortable as that conversation might be. When I find myself unable to get my story across to others, especially those I care about deeply because those are the ones I really love to over explain myself to, there’s a couple things I try to practice. 1) I have to remind myself that it has nothing do with how much this person knows and loves me. Just because they can’t understand my perspective in the situation doesn’t mean they don’t care about me. 2) The best thing to do is give the situation time and space to work through and gain clarity. What these situations need is spaciousness.
My own observation is that the more grounded I’ve become in myself and my values the more I am able to see the separateness between my narrative and someone else’s. In other words, the deeper you are in your knowing and self the less other peoples reactions (to you) will dictate your internal world. I’m not saying screw everyone’s opinion I am going to do whatever I want and I don’t care who is impacted. I still try to avoid hurting anyone and value other perspectives, but I’m not going to climb a mountain to get others to understand me, even those that I would expect to understand me. Note from my experience, there is a direct relationship between how difficult this can be and how much you care about the person who may be writing an inaccurate narrative about you.
A value I have come to appreciate about myself is that I love surrounding myself with people who challenge me and my reality. I seek it in my relationships with others and I like being the one to challenge others reality too. I’m curious about humans and perspectives and where all of the different edges are. Which is probably why I love traveling so much and meeting new people (Any other Sagittarius moons?). For example: I love dropping into conversations where at the beginning I believe one thing and by the end I am curious about my previous opinion, am open to changing it, and sometimes I even do change it or adopt a second opinion. I like finding the gray areas.
The difficult side of this trait is that I find myself more frequently in situations where everything does not line up perfectly. And it can bring up some sticky parts in me and the other person that show us areas we can grow and change. My practice is when I find myself experiencing dissonance with others I zoom out to try to understand all narratives before zooming back into mine to understand how my own reality comes into play. Also known as empathy. I’m not perfect at it but maybe writing it down will hold me more accountable to keep practicing.
The way each of us moves through the world impacts those around us, which is a beautiful thing to see how interconnected we all are but can also be a really tough thing. Because sometimes the way you influence others can bring up big emotions and blindspots that you never intended to surface. I’ve been on both sides but what I’ve learned is that this is growth and what better teachers than those we love showing us parts of ourselves that we didn’t know existed.
